Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
