she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
