apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
