Please, let me fuck your mom
My underwear smells like fireworks.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
