Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
