I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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