another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
