Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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