she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
