Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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