I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize