i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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