gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
