I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize