Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
