There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
