So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Randomize
