Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
