those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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