my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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