I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How does it feel to date your dad?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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