someone threw a dead crab at me
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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