i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
