so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
