How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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