life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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