I'm lost and stupid without you.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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