He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
