i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
