I can feel you judging me through the phone.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
