My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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