I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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