You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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