youre lurking in front of me
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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