You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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