I cannot find my penis.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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