she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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