Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
