the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
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