Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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