remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
