i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
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