Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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