my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
