Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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