I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
