We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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