just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
