i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
