Moan for me like Helen Keller
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
There are leaves in my underwear?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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