Your face is a jimmy john
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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