I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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