You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just found puke in my bra..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
