Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
