what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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