im having a threesome with these popsicles
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
