he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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