My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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