My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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