I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
