I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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