Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
