Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
