So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
This toilet bowl is my home.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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